I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
