Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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