I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
