But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
