please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I stole a fireplace last night.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
