Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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