So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
When are your genitals available?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
