Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
