i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
