covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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