So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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