im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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