You just made me feel so damn special
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Say something about gay babies.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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