Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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