bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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