i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Pooping to opera.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
