I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
