I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
