Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
