you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
