Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
