I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
