My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
