you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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