Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
