you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
