so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
