Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Life is so much better after having sex.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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