Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize