I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
