I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
