I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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