i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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