I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
