I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
