She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
i need some magic done to my vagina
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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