omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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