I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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