I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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