apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
