based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
