Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
