What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You can't just leave with hair like that
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
