i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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