I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
third nipple confirmed
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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