OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
did i walk over a car last night?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
