Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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