Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
