I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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