great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
