im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
