Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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