I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
