On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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