I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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