I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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