it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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