I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
