Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
