Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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