grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
