either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
