I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
