I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
