nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
